Reflective Parenting: Navigating High-Conflict Divorce with Your Neurodivergent Child

Reflective Parenting Workbook: Navigating High-Conflict Divorce with Your Neurodivergent Child

Divorce is more than a legal event—it is a profound emotional and psychological transition for children. For neurodivergent children, who experience and express emotions differently, this transition can be particularly overwhelming. This workbook provides practical activities and reflective exercises to help parents understand their child’s emotional world and support them through the process with empathy and insight.

As a clinician working with children and families, I approach high-conflict divorces through a participatory and interpretive lens, aligning with Clifford Geertz’s concept of “thick description.”

This method requires stepping into the lived experience of both children and parents, helping them construct new meanings and narratives during a period of profound change. But how do we ensure that we fully understand a child’s perspective without imposing adult interpretations?

How do we support parents in recognizing their child's symbolic language as a legitimate expression of their inner world?

Divorce Reshapes a Child’s Worldview Geertz’s statement that anthropological writings are constructions of other people’s constructions mirrors the way children make sense of divorce. They construct their own understanding based on how their parents present the situation, how they experience emotional shifts, and how society portrays separation.

Neurodivergent children, who often perceive and process the world differently, may require additional support to make sense of these changes. A child's experience of divorce is different from a parent’s. However, because adults often control the narrative, children’s perspectives may be filtered through their parents’ emotions, biases, and conflicts.

As a therapist, my role is not to impose an external narrative but to help the child explore their own meaning-making process, particularly when their way of expressing distress differs from conventional expectations. Symbolic Expression as Thick Description Geertz urged ethnographers and social scientists to interpret cultural symbols in their deep and contextual meaning.

Likewise, I see a child's play, artwork, or storytelling as their own form of “thick description.” A child may build two separate Lego houses, create a story where a character gets lost, or repeatedly draw themes of conflict and reconciliation. These are not random behaviors; they are layered with significance, offering a window into their emotional experience. For neurodivergent children, who may struggle with verbalizing emotions, these symbolic expressions are critical to understanding their needs.

Play themes of isolation, protection, or destruction may indicate underlying fears of separation, abandonment, or loss of stability. As clinicians, we must develop the skills to read these symbols without misinterpreting them through an adult-centric lens.

Positioning Within the Child’s Reality Geertz emphasized the importance of positioning oneself within the cultural context of those being studied. Similarly, when working with children experiencing divorce, I must step into their world—understanding their fears, confusions, and hopes from their developmental perspective rather than solely through an adult framework.

For neurodivergent children, particularly those with autism or ADHD, their way of processing divorce may be unique. Some may hyperfocus on logistical concerns ("Where will my toys go?") rather than emotional ones. Others may experience sensory overwhelm in the face of conflict, reacting with increased rigidity, meltdowns, or withdrawal.

Helping Parents Become Ethnographers of Their Child’s Experience Divorce is often so emotionally consuming for parents that they struggle to recognize their child’s distress beyond behavior.

Many parents, especially those in high-conflict divorces, see tantrums, withdrawal, or resistance as misbehavior rather than meaningful expressions of their child’s experience.

My work involves helping parents develop a Geertzian perspective—seeing their child’s actions as symbols rather than just “good” or “bad” behavior. By teaching parents to observe their child's play, listen deeply to their storytelling, and recognize patterns in behavior, they can shift from reactive discipline to responsive understanding. When parents become ethnographers of their child’s emotional world, they become more attuned, empathetic, and supportive co-narrators in their child's evolving story.

Examining My Own Perspective Just as Geertz acknowledges that anthropologists bring their own constructions to the study of culture, I must continually examine my own biases when working with divorcing families. How does my perspective on divorce and family dynamics shape the way I facilitate these conversations? How do my own attitudes and experiences influence the meaning I attribute to children’s behaviors? By maintaining a mindset of curiosity—one of knowing nothing rather than assuming expertise—I ensure that I remain open to the truths each family brings into the therapeutic space.

Co-Constructing Meaning With Families Divorce is often framed in terms of battles—custody battles, financial disputes, legal struggles. But at its core, it is a deeply human experience marked by loss, adaptation, and redefinition of family.

Geertz’s insight reminds me that no single narrative defines divorce; each family member constructs their own interpretation.

By adopting a participatory and interpretive approach, I can help children and parents navigate this transition in a way that acknowledges their emotions, validates their perspectives, and fosters a more compassionate understanding of each other’s experiences.

Moving forward, I strive to deepen my ability to co-construct meaning with children and parents rather than defining their experiences for them. My work, much like Geertz’s anthropological method, must involve careful listening, symbolic interpretation, and a commitment to uncovering the deeper layers of significance that shape a family’s evolving story.

Behavior is a Window, Not a Diagnosis

Children with ADHD, ODD, attachment issues, or anxiety often have difficulty expressing what’s happening beneath the surface. When a child throws something across the room or yells, “I hate you!” they’re not trying to make your life harder.

They’re telling you:

• “I don’t have the words for what I’m feeling.”

• “My brain and body are overwhelmed.”

• “I don’t feel safe, understood, or in control.”

  
  

At Rocky Mountain Art and Play Center, we help parents decode these behaviors and see them for what they really are: clues. Clues that your child needs support—not punishment. Clues that there's a better way forward.

The Problem with Quick Fixes

Sticker charts, timeouts, and consequences may work temporarily—but they don’t teach your child how to understand or regulate their emotions. They don’t address the deeper struggles that lead to behavioral dysregulation in the first place. That’s why our approach is different. We work with families to create lasting change by focusing on:

• Emotional awareness

• Relational trust and connection

• Healthy boundaries and responsibility

• Confidence and self-regulation

  
  

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

We know parenting a child with behavioral challenges isn’t easy. We also know you want the best for your child—and you're willing to show up, even when it's hard.

That’s where we come in.

With over 18 years of experience, we specialize in helping families like yours. We use a personalized, whole-child approach that blends behavioral strategies with Montessori principles, relational psychology, and expressive methods to bring about real, meaningful change.

🛠 TOOL: See Beneath the Surface: A Symbolic Observation Framework for Parents

Purpose: To help parents interpret their child’s behaviors, play, and emotions during divorce—especially when the child is neurodivergent—not as problems to fix, but as symbols to understand.

Step 1: Observe Without Judgment

• Watch your child’s play, drawings, or repetitive behaviors.

• Ask: “What might this be expressing emotionally?”

  • Two Lego houses? → Processing the idea of two homes.

  • Angry outbursts? → A cry for safety or control.

Step 2: Translate the Symbol

• Use this lens: Behavior is communication.

  • Tantrum = “I don’t know how to say what I need.”

  • Withdrawal = “Everything feels too loud, fast, or confusing.”

• Try describing what you see: “You made a story about a character who gets lost… I wonder if that feels familiar.”

Step 3: Tune Into Their Unique Language

• For neurodivergent children:

  • Look beyond typical “emotional cues” (tears, words).

  • Validate their focus points, even if they seem small (e.g., “Where will my toys go?”).

Step 4: Become an Emotional Ethnographer

• Keep a journal: note recurring themes in play, stories, drawings, behaviors.

• Share observations with therapists or educators to co-create support plans.

• Reflect: What might this say about how my child is making meaning of the divorce?

💡 KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Divorce is a deep emotional transition, not just a legal event—especially for children, and particularly for neurodivergent kids.

• Children construct their own understanding of divorce, influenced by how it's presented to them and the emotions they absorb from their environment.

• Symbolic behaviors (play, art, storytelling) are children’s “thick descriptions”—rich expressions of emotional meaning that must be interpreted within context, not dismissed as “misbehavior.”

• Neurodivergent children may express stress in nonverbal, concrete, or sensory-based ways. They may fixate on logistics or show dysregulation rather than articulate emotional pain.

• Parents can become “ethnographers” of their child’s emotional world, shifting from reacting to behavior to exploring what the behavior communicates.

• Therapists must co-construct meaning, not impose it. Curiosity, humility, and cultural self-awareness are essential in working with families through divorce.

• Behavior is a window, not a diagnosis. Behind the outbursts or shutdowns are unmet needs, not defiance.

• Quick fixes often miss the root. Sticker charts and timeouts don’t teach regulation or meet emotional needs. Lasting change comes from connection, awareness, and relational support.

Let’s Reframe the Story

What if your child’s defiance isn’t a sign of disobedience, but a need for support?What if their outbursts are not problems—but starting points for healing, growth, and connection?

We’re here to help you rewrite that story—one step at a time.

📞 Ready to learn more? Contact us today to schedule a consultation and discover how our unique approach can help your child and your family move forward—together. Rocky Mountain Behavioral Consultants

Author:

Rocky Mountain Art and Play Threapy Center of Denver for Kids and Families Emotional Support

03/27/2025

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Crisis & Emergency Services Disclaimer: Rocky Mountain Behavioral Consultants is not a crisis or emergency mental health service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or experiencing a mental health emergency, please seek help right away through one of the following Colorado-based resources:

• Colorado Crisis Services – Call 1-844-493-TALK (8255) or text TALK to 38255. Support is available 24/7.

• National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Dial 988 for immediate support.

• In case of a life-threatening emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

We are committed to supporting your family’s mental and emotional well-being, but we are not equipped to respond to emergency situations. Please use the above resources if you need immediate or crisis-level assistance.