Tame Your Fury: Tips to Help You Control Anger
- Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist
- Feb 26, 2023
- 11 min read
Updated: May 29
Men and women often express anger differently. Men typically show their frustration through verbal outbursts, while women are more likely to become emotionally withdrawn. Women may internalize the situation and be less expressive of their emotions than men, who tend to act out when angry. It's important for both sexes to understand how each other expresses anger so that they can learn healthy ways to cope with these feelings.
Anger is intense and often feels like; frustration, upset, or even out of control. It's a natural human response when we experience something that frustrates us, like not getting what we want or someone hurt us. Anger is usually caused by our thoughts and beliefs about the situation rather than the actual event itself. Learning to manage anger can help people better understand their emotions and express them in a healthy way.
How Men Express Anger
When men in the United States feel angry, it can manifest in a variety of ways. Some may lash out verbally with raised voices or strong language. Others may throw things, hit walls, and even become physically violent towards others. Often times anger is expressed through body language such as aggressive posturing or clenching fists.
A common response to feeling angry is to bottle it up and try to stay silent. This doesn't always work well because often people will end up saying something that they regret later on. As an alternative, sometimes people choose to take their time and think before responding - this gives them space
to cool down and make sure they're expressing themselves effectively.
Yelling at someone rarely gets results and physical violence should be avoided at all costs. Taking deep breaths and being aware of what one wants to say are essential tools for expressing emotions like anger in a productive manner. - Aggressive behavior. - Provocative comments. - Physical violence.
How Women Express Anger
While some may choose to get loud and aggressive, others may be more passive or quiet about their emotions. In either case, there are many ways for women to express their anger using language.
A common way is to use direct confrontational words such as “I’m angry!” or “That really made me mad.” This can be accompanied by other phrases like “I feel disrespected” or “I won’t stand for this.” Women may also choose to express their displeasure in a more subtle way, such as with sarcastic comments or tone. Finally, they may even refuse to speak altogether as a form of silent protest.
Regardless of the method used, it's important that women feel comfortable and empowered when communicating how they feel. As long as they are speaking up and being honest with themselves and others, they can find an effective way to show their anger. - Passive-aggressive behavior - Withdrawal and avoidance - Verbal outbursts.
Pressure to conform to gender norms
Women in the United States often feel pressure to conform to gender norms when expressing their anger. This can create a difficult situation where they don't feel comfortable showing their true emotions and instead put on an emotional mask of happiness or complacency. Women may feel like they are not allowed to express their feelings of frustration, annoyance, or rage without being judged for not being "ladylike." When women do allow themselves to express anger, it's often done with either passive-aggression or intense emotion. Passive-aggressive behavior might include sarcasm, rolling eyes, or avoiding conversations. More explosive outbursts could involve yelling or throwing things. While these strategies may help women release pent up emotions, they rarely lead to constructive solutions and can be seen as overly aggressive or irrational by others.
Gender roles and expectations can make it hard for women to find healthy outlets for their anger. They may need to practice better communication skills, such as calmly expressing their thoughts and asking for what they want. Through self-reflection and understanding why we feel angry, women can learn more effective ways to cope with strong emotions and take control over how they respond to situations.
Building healthy relationships
Building healthy relationships takes effort and dedication, but the rewards are worth it. Start by taking small steps to get to know someone, like introducing yourself with a smile or having a casual conversation about mutual interests. Keep communication open and honest - be willing to listen as much as you speak.Building strong and healthy relationships is an important part of living a happy life. To create a positive relationship, it’s essential to understand the needs and feelings of both partners. Showing appreciation, being open and honest with each other, taking time to listen, compromising when needed, and having fun together are all great ways to help foster a healthy relationship. With these tools, any couple can have a meaningful connection that will last for years to come! - Avoiding misunderstandings - Greater emotional awareness
Just let it go. To be at peace, don't take anger personally. It's important to be aware of when you start taking things personally. Pay attention to how it feels and make an effort to relax the feeling that you are being targeted. Taking a step back and realizing that not everything is directed at you can help prevent unnecessary stress. Everyone needs to take some time to focus on themselves and acknowledge their own worth, regardless of any external comments or judgments.
Say a friend is surprisingly critical toward you. It hurts, for sure, and you’ll want to address the situation, from talking about it with the friend to disengaging from the relationship. But also consider what may have caused that person to bump into you, such as misinterpretations of your actions; health problems, pain, worries or anger about things unrelated to you; temperament, personality, childhood experiences; the effects of culture, economy, or world events; and causes back upstream in time, like how his or her parents were raised. Recognize the humbling yet wonderful truth: most of the time, we are bit players in other people’s dramas. When you look at things this way, you naturally get calmer, put situations in context, and don’t get so caught up in me-myself-and-I. Then you feel better, plus more clearheaded about what to do.
If you're looking to relax, try taking a step back from your sense of self - the "I" and "me." Take note of the difference between saying "there are sounds" versus "I am hearing," or "there are thoughts" versus "I'm thinking." Your sense of self is always changing; when you have problems it tends to increase while calmness and happiness decrease it. This transition in how we think about ourselves correlates with brain activity. Our ideas related to our selves are created throughout the brain, mixing and mingling with other thoughts not related to us. It's important to remember that being yourself is more of an ongoing process than something that just happens. By noticing this fluidity, you can enjoy the openness and ease that comes with it. I and me and mine —in general.
For example, notice the difference between “there are sounds” and “I am hearing,” or between “there are thoughts” and “I am thinking.” Observe how the sense of self ebbs and flows, typically increasing when there are problems to solve and decreasing as you experience calm and well-being. This flu- idity of “me” in the mind correlates with dynamic and fleeting activations in the brain; self-related thoughts are constructed all over the brain, tumbling and jostling with other thoughts, unre- lated to self, in the neural substrates of the stream of consciousness (Gilliham and Farah 2005; Legrand and Ruby 2009). Appreciate that “I” is more of a process than an ability: a “self- ing.” Enjoy the ease and openness that emerge as the sense of self recedes.
Dr. Rick Hanson, in his book Just One Thing, teaches us how to develop a buddha brain one simple practice at a time.
Anger is inevitable. From the moment you were born, your experiences have stayed with you and shaped who you are today. As a child, these events have an especially large impact on our brains and emotions. Scientists call this experience-dependent neuroplasticity - when moments in time become permanently woven into our minds. For instance, think back to all of the feelings, beliefs, and wants that you had as a kid; from crying until someone came to comfort you, celebrating when you learned how to walk, enjoying spending time with friends, feeling bad about schoolwork after getting scolded, navigating power struggles with parents, wishing for physical changes during adolescence, questioning if anyone likes the real you or the bittersweet excitement of leaving home. All of these powerful memories become ingrained in us and travel with us everywhere we go.
Dealing with anger can be hard. It's easy to get overwhelmed and let our emotions take over. But it is possible to find ways of controlling your anger and staying calm in difficult situations. One way to do this is by taking a few deep breaths and counting slowly to 10. This gives you time to step back and think before reacting. Taking some time out for yourself can also be helpful; go for a walk, listen to music or talk to someone you trust. These activities can help relieve stress and give you perspective. Another useful tip is to think about how your words and actions might affect others. Thinking before we speak can help us make sure that our response is appropriate and will not harm those around us.
Controlling anger can bring a range of benefits both for the person expressing it and for those around them. By taking proactive steps to manage their temper, people can benefit from increased self-awareness and better relationships with others. Taking time to practice calming strategies such as deep breathing or counting to 10 before responding can help people recognize what they are feeling and keep themselves in check. Practicing these strategies also helps people learn how to communicate effectively and be more assertive without getting angry or escalating conflict. In short, controlling anger is an important tool that can lead to healthier interactions and improved wellbeing. These tips are designed to help you get started on the path towards keeping your anger in check and learning better ways of responding to frustrating situations.
When considering a cost benefit analysis, it's important to keep in mind the potential emotional outcomes. Making decisions that don't take anger into consideration can have negative consequences and may even lead to feelings of frustration or resentment down the road. Taking a few moments to consider how your actions might be received can help you avoid future problems and create an atmosphere of understanding. Every day, we all face challenges that can seem overwhelming and difficult. No matter how big or small the task, it is important to remember that with determination and hard work, anything is possible! Don't be afraid to take risks - they often lead to new opportunities and exciting possibilities. And when you stumble, don't let yourself get discouraged. Dust yourself off and try again. You got this!
🛠 TOOL: Pause, Perspective, and Process (The 3P Method)
This tool helps you respond to emotional pain, anger, or interpersonal conflict with more clarity and calm.
Step 1: Pause (Self-Regulate First)
Take 3 slow, deep breaths.
Say to yourself: “There are thoughts… There are feelings…” (not “I am angry”).
This helps loosen the grip of “I-me-mine” thinking and de-escalates reactivity.
Step 2: Perspective (Widen the Lens)
Ask: “What might be going on for the other person?”
Could they be in pain? Misinterpreting? Triggered by their past?
Is this really about me, or am I just a “bit player” in their current struggle?
Remind yourself: Most behavior is more about the other person than about you.
Step 3: Process (Respond, Don’t React)
Choose one:
Reflect together: “That comment felt hurtful—can we talk about what’s behind it?”
Set boundaries: “I care about our relationship, but I won’t stay in hurtful conversations.”
Release and let go: Not every action needs a reaction.
💡 KEY TAKEAWAYS:
We’re not always the main character in someone else’s story. Others’ behavior often stems from their internal pain, stress, or past—not your actions.
The self is fluid, not fixed. Saying “there are emotions” instead of “I am angry” helps you step back from over-identification with feelings.
Anger is shaped by your history. Childhood experiences become encoded in the brain and can trigger intense responses later.
Control starts with awareness. Techniques like deep breathing, counting to 10, or walking away are powerful not because they erase anger—but because they pause it long enough for a wiser response.
Your response matters more than their reaction. Even when others are unkind, you can choose calm, curiosity, or compassion over reactivity.
Reflection softens reactivity. Cost-benefit thinking reminds us: What’s the outcome of snapping back? What would calm connection create instead?
Parent Coaching at Rocky Mountain Art & Play Center
💛 If you’re navigating meltdowns, defiance, or big feelings at home, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out alone either. Our Parent Coaching program is here to support you every step of the way.
✨ What Makes Us Different?
Backed by 18+ years of expertise
Uses art, play, and Montessori-informed strategies
Tailored for children with ADHD, ODD, anxiety, and attachment challenges
Focused on building emotional safety, structure, and connection
Together, we’ll help you decode behavior, calm the chaos, and reconnect with your child from a place of understanding—not exhaustion.
🌿 Schedule your free consultation today. Let’s build a more peaceful home—one calm, connected moment at a time.
💛 What Does It Look Like to Build a Better Home?
It looks like fewer power struggles, and more peaceful transitions.
It looks like your child feeling understood and capable, not broken or difficult.
It looks like you knowing exactly what to do in the middle of a meltdown.
It looks like your voice becoming a calming anchor, not a source of stress.
It looks like siblings learning to cooperate, and routines becoming smoother.
It looks like you feeling proud of the way you show up as a parent.
Together, we take the guesswork out of what your child needs—and replace it with responsive, effective strategies that feel doable in real life. Whether we’re tackling morning chaos, explosive emotions, school refusal, or bedtime drama, you’ll walk away with insight, tools, and hope. Not just hope that things can change—but the skills and confidence to make that change happen.
Let’s bring calm to the chaos. Let’s turn big feelings into beautiful breakthroughs.
Because when you feel steady, your child feels safe—and that’s where healing begins.
📞 Schedule a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit. I can’t wait to support your journey.
🖍️ Together we can bring calm to the chaos. Let’s turn big feelings into beautiful breakthroughs. Contact us today to learn more and to see if we’re a good fit for each other.
By: Rocky Mountain Art & Play Center
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